Saturday Funk....
I read a book Thursday night that's put me in a really dark mood. I'm sure the author would feel bad to hear that. I think it's meant to be more hopeful and inspiring. It is a true story written by a man who's wife kills herself when she's 7 months pregnant with their first child. Her parents were both mentally ill and she started to feel the symptoms of her parents' schizophrenia and/or manic depression coming on. Her husband feels guilt that it happened because he ignored the promptings of the spirit 3 times urging him to go home. Why is this on my "running posts only" blog? Well, that story is mostly about his returning to dating life and falling in love again with a girl that has just won the Ogden Marathon. (This is where my heart starts pounding and I decide to finish the dang book instead of going to bed at midnight.) He starts running with her in the mornings while she's training for the St. George. When they start becoming more serious about each other, she confesses to him that she struggles with depression, and the running endorphin rush helps her cope with it. I totally understand that. I'm not a great runner, but I do love how it makes me feel. As I've thought more about that I realized something else. I use it for more than just the endorphin rush now. I use it to escape life. I get on a run or on the treadmill and I hide. If my kids are busy doing other things and Ron doesn't need me, I justify myself in just staying there longer than I should so that I don't have to join the world and act happy. Running is an acceptable pass time to those around me, but it serves the same function for me as staying in bed all day. I even get praised for my neglect of my home and family. People say I've got great determination and I'm inspiring. Ha Ha! Anyway, one thing that I came away with from reading this book, is how this man (his name's Abel, about my age, remarried to the marathon girl and has three kids) was able to take what he had just gone through and say to himself, "I don't know. I might have been able to save her but that's not what happened. I don't know why she did it. I don't know what the next life is going to bring exactly. But I refuse to be miserable. I will enjoy my life." It baffles me that I can't do that ...and my life is perfect! Nobody sick, perfect children, my husband loves me (I think), no hurricanes or earthquakes or war in St. George this year, my husband still has build jobs even though most people involved in real estate are losing their shirts. I am showered with rediculously enormous blessings daily and I can't enjoy them. Seriously, all the negative I have to think about it totally imagined. I got on the treadmill this morning and it was one of those days where Ron is out of town, Sarah fell asleep, Noah
and Joshy entertained doing something, Ryan gone. I could just stay here for hours with my music, pretending I'm a rockstar (This is what I'd look like. Oh, and I can sing and dance in these fantasies too.)
and not think about how empty and worthless I feel. But then I thought about Abel being able (Abel being able??!!) to really enjoy his life and just making the decision not to dwell on the negative. When the choice came for me after an hour of running to keep going till my legs just couldn't take it anymore or one of my kids demanded it, or get off and attempt to join life, I got off. I'm not going to lie and say I feel happy today. But I'm going to go through the motions until I can figure out a way to just not worry about stuff I don't understand and can't control. Conjuring up happy Shannon will be a longer process. And I'm not going to use running as a way to escape anymore. Maybe. Sometimes. Well, today I won't. (It's still better than that Zoloft that almost got me killed behind the wheel.)
and not think about how empty and worthless I feel. But then I thought about Abel being able (Abel being able??!!) to really enjoy his life and just making the decision not to dwell on the negative. When the choice came for me after an hour of running to keep going till my legs just couldn't take it anymore or one of my kids demanded it, or get off and attempt to join life, I got off. I'm not going to lie and say I feel happy today. But I'm going to go through the motions until I can figure out a way to just not worry about stuff I don't understand and can't control. Conjuring up happy Shannon will be a longer process. And I'm not going to use running as a way to escape anymore. Maybe. Sometimes. Well, today I won't. (It's still better than that Zoloft that almost got me killed behind the wheel.)
Whew... It's a good thing this is an "invites only" blog. Know that there are only 5 people I have invited to read my blog and I feel safe writing this here because I think you're people that won't freak out on me or share any of this with anyone. Breathe in, breathe out. Tomorrow's a new day, a new run. Yeay life!
1 comment:
Just saw your updates- my Google reader isn't doing its job!
Anyway. I totally hear ya. Except I use food for escape instead of running- at least you get something good out of running!
Thanks for writing this here- it helps me to know other people feel that disconnect between knowing, intellectually, that their life is good, and feeling on the other hand that it's total crap & always will be.
I think there's a lot to be said for just putting one foot in front of the other- works in running, works in life. I think you're inspirational- but not just because of your running- because you can look the suckiness in the face and keep trying anyway.
Love you chica.
-S.
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