DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A DEPRESSING POST. DO NOT CALL 911. I'M OKAY, I PROMISE.

Saturday Funk....

I read a book Thursday night that's put me in a really dark mood.  I'm sure the author would feel bad to hear that.  I think it's meant to be more hopeful and inspiring.  It is a true story written by a man who's wife kills herself when she's 7 months pregnant with their first child.  Her parents were both mentally ill and she started to feel the symptoms of her parents' schizophrenia and/or manic depression coming on.  Her husband feels guilt that it happened because he ignored the promptings of the spirit 3 times urging him to go home.  Why is this on my "running posts only" blog?  Well, that story is mostly about his returning to dating life and falling in love again with a girl that has just won the Ogden Marathon.  (This is where my heart starts pounding and I decide to finish the dang book instead of going to bed at midnight.)  He starts running with her in the mornings while she's training for the St. George.  When they start becoming more serious about each other, she confesses to him that she struggles with depression, and the running endorphin rush helps her cope with it.  I totally understand that.  I'm not a great runner, but I do love how it makes me feel.  As I've thought more about that I realized something else.  I use it for more than just the endorphin rush now.  I use it to escape life.  I get on a run or on the treadmill and I hide.  If my kids are busy doing other things and Ron doesn't need me, I justify myself in just staying there longer than I should so that I don't have to join the world and act happy.  Running is an acceptable pass time to those around me, but it serves the same function for me as staying in bed all day.  I even get praised for my neglect of my home and family.  People say I've got great determination and I'm inspiring.   Ha Ha!  Anyway, one thing that I came away with from reading this book, is how this man (his name's Abel, about my age, remarried to the marathon girl and has three kids) was able to take what he had just gone through and say to himself, "I don't know.  I might have been able to save her but that's not what happened.  I don't know why she did it.  I don't know what the next life is going to bring exactly.  But I refuse to be miserable.  I will enjoy my life."  It baffles me that I can't do that ...and my life is perfect!  Nobody sick, perfect children, my husband loves me (I think), no hurricanes or earthquakes or war in St. George this year, my husband still has build jobs even though most people involved in real estate are losing their shirts.  I am showered with rediculously enormous blessings daily and I can't enjoy them.  Seriously, all the negative I have to think about it totally imagined.  I got on the treadmill this morning and it was one of those days where Ron is out of town, Sarah fell asleep, Noah and Joshy entertained doing something, Ryan gone.  I could just stay here for hours with my music, pretending I'm a rockstar 

(This is what I'd look like.  Oh, and I can sing and dance in these fantasies too.)

and not think about how empty and worthless I feel.  But then I thought about Abel being able (Abel being able??!!)  to really enjoy his life and just making the decision not to dwell on the negative.  When the choice came for me after an hour of running to keep going till my legs just couldn't take it anymore or one of my kids demanded it, or get off and attempt to join life,  I got off.  I'm not going to lie and say I feel happy today.  But I'm going to go through the motions until I can figure out a way to just not worry about stuff I don't understand and can't control.  Conjuring up happy Shannon will be a longer process.  And I'm not going to use running as a way to escape anymore.  Maybe.  Sometimes.  Well, today I won't.  (It's still better than that Zoloft that almost got me killed behind the wheel.)

Whew... It's a good thing this is an "invites only" blog.  Know that there are only 5 people I have invited to read my blog and I feel safe writing this here because I think you're people that won't freak out on me or share any of this with anyone.  Breathe in, breathe out.  Tomorrow's a new day, a new run.  Yeay life!

Jacob Lake memories...

                               "There are stars in the southern sky

                                  southward as you go.

                           There is moonlight and moss in the trees

                               down the seven bridges road...."
                                     Waterslide day-off.  Cute suit, Chi!!!

I was remembering yesterday how much fun it was to run at Jacob Lake through the forest... ALONE! How crazy were we to do that!? Dodging bullets and arrows from the deer hunters, side stepping the rangers with their blow torches doing controlled burns on both sides of the path. Good times. I don't think I would dare to do that today, just the alone part of it. I have such great memories of that though. I remember that my first run while I was there was with you, Sarah, and I almost passed out and threw up from the altitude. I remember saying, "I really, really do run! I promise." And you were like, "Uh, yea. Let's just sit down on this rock for a bit. Are you going to throw up?"

                     Shhhh..... Sarah sleeping

      Shopping in Page!  How cute is Sarah's suit, and how cute is LISA?!

Hey, Sarah.... remember, "We could totally die doing this." "Yea, but what a rush, huh?!" Here's to Jacob Lake!!! Chi, thanks for taking me with you to AZ that summer. That was all your idea and the best time of my life. I hope our next girls trip can be there.

Our bunk, and my bunkmate!  Diggn' those pants.  Look at my huge stack of Yanni tapes!

   And of course, Tom.  Look how kissable those lips are!  Is it just me or does he look just a little bit like Lansing!!  As Chi says,  A girl does have her type.  Hey, is Keri checking out Sarah's boobs?

I did the same 17 mile run today that I did last week, but this time a little faster. I didn't have the BOB today (thanks, Ron!) so I was able to test out the water-bottle-with-nifty-hand-strap that supposably makes it easier to carry. It was better than putting it on a belt, for sure, but not perfect. The strap is a little too loose, so I still had to grip the bottle too much to hang on to it. I might have to try a different kind. I could fit my cel phone in the little pocket that's on it, along with one GU, then I had to fit two GUs in my running shorts pocket. I really needed one more GU on that run. I'm hoping my body is getting more efficient at burning stored glycogen and fat so that I don't need to eat so much of that stuff while I'm running. Maybe I needed more just because I was going a little faster today. My hamstring's still bugging me a little. Not so much that I had to stop or slow down a ton, but I'm not going to be able to work on speed at all except on these tempo runs unless I stop alltogether and just start over, which I'm not ready to do this year. Maybe for next year!

"Sarah, Sarah quite contrara..."

That's Noah's personalized version of "Mary, Mary, quite contrary."  She's becoming a little stinker while I'm trying to run.  She's happy if she's in the BOB, but I've had to stick to the treadmill this week because I'm shuttling my boys to and from basketball camps all morning.   She should be crawling but hasn't seemed to figure it out yet.  (Joshy never crawled and the pediatrician said that it looks like it has something to do with their hips being overly flexible), so I sit her down with a bunch of toys and turn on cartoons (I know, I know.  Just shut it.) but since she really wants to be moving around she will only stay happy there for 10 minutes, maybe.  Then I have to give her a change of scenery, so I move her to a different room with a brother and some different toys.  She'll stay happy there for another 10 minutes, then I have to get off again to move her somewhere else.  My hour-long run turns into a very choppy 2 hour-long run that never really even gets me warmed up!  One more day of basketball camp, then I can hit the pavement, or the track for a long run Friday.

Sarah's still easier than any of my other kids when I've been trying to run.  My first, Ryan screamed the whole time he was in the jogger, and screamed every minute he was sitting in a car seat while I was on a treadmill.  Then with 2 kids or 3 kids they were too little to leave alone and I couldn't imagine having run with a double stroller in the city.  I think that was when I was going to the gym with a nursery.  Needless to say, I was never in shape at any time in between having my first and up to about a year before having my last.   WHEW, so glad it's my time again!   Can I hear an, "Amen" from all my mommy friends?!

Treadmill love

I know I'm strange.  I love the treadmill, probably for the same reason I love the track.  I love my music and dreaming I'm a rockstar while I'm running.  (I don't know if I mentioned that in my next life I play the guitar?)  I can't pretend I'm a rockstar while I'm running on a road because I have to concentrate on not getting hit by cars or worried about what I look like to everyone driving past me.  The time just passes with me playing the guitar on stage while I've actually been running hard without even realizing it.  My treadmill is getting close to needing a new tread.  It doesn't sound like it feels good, but like a good old dog, it's still happily working hard for me.  Ferraby Lionheart was on the playlist today.  "Crack in Time" was my favorite song.  The lyrics are so great.  I think I might actually be able to play that one on the guitar.  It doesn't sound complicated.  I think I'll look for the sheet music!

Don't burn out... don't burn out.. .don't burn out!!

I'm starting to get to that phase where I wonder why I'm doing this.  That means I'm over training - not in the physical sense, but I'm getting mentally consumed and it's becoming not fun, and when it becomes not fun I stop getting anything positive from it, and once that happens, I quit doing it all together.  I'm going to back off a little and go back a few steps.  I can't delve into the "training schedules" everyone says I have to follow or I won't ever reach my goals.  I just can't do it.  If I wake up in the morning knowing I HAVE to do speed work when I really feel like doing a long run, I'm going to start to hate marathoning.  And I LOVE marathoning!  I don't ever want to stop.  I guess it may take me 10 more years to reach my goal doing it my way, but at least I know I'll still be doing it.

Meet Daisy

Our little friend that lives in the hose pot.

I just rested and stretched alot today while reading "Advanced Marathoning" by Pete Pfitzinger and Scott Douglas.  My new hero is John Keston, pg. 47.  Read about him!

Me 'n the treadmill for 50 minutes

stretch...   stretch...  stretch

I wanted to rest today, but I was browsing around itunes looking for the old song "Sarah, Sarah... storms are brewn' in your eyes...." (I never found it btw so if anyone out there knows who sang it and can help me out) so that I could play it for my son, who is always irritated when I sing it to my daughter, Sarah, and when I typed in "Sarah" it came up with Eskimo Joe's "Sarah,"  (now my new favorite song.)  So, I couldn't rest because I bought the whole album and I had to jog just a little so that I could test the tunes' runability.  Thumbs up for Eskimo Joe!  I came across a great guitarist, Leo Kottke (because listeners that bought Eskimo Joe also bought Leo Kottke.)  The jury's still out on whether I can run with him.  I didn't get past Eskimo Joe this time, but I'm a sucker for instrumental guitar music.

Note to self: Stay away from elite runners' websites.  It makes you depressed.  It's okay that you will never run fast.  It's just great that you run.